bone literally hurts. it’s way too early for this *bleep*
time to play: squirm and turn uncomfortably till i find a non-painful position [working on the name]
ready, set, fml

the keeper of emo rants, angry tirades, tears to God and epiphanies from sermons.
i guess one could call it a diary or journal, but the sporadic entries [first entry - 9/16/07, last entry - 4/9/11] and muddled script speak more to what it really is: a documentation of a breakdown.
found it after an attempt at a mind cleansing walk to the Borders in Union Square my first year in NYC. the cover says it all: the reason why i was drawn to it, and the reason why i go back to it.
years later still many pages to fill. funniest thing of it all is it is always kept in plain view on my bookshelf among the fashion books, magazines, and mementos.

i want to be a mover, shaker, creator, influencer, but alas i am stuck in dreamer mode, lacking inspiration, direction and while battling laziness, maybe a by product of the former. what should i do? am i getting too old for this? the other day i decided i wanted to just do a data entry job [lol]. sit behind a desk, punch numbers €€€€[or letters], punch a clock and head home. no goals, no pressures, no responsibilties but i know i am more than that. or is it like my episode realizing although i want to be a social butterfly i wasn’t which resulted in crippling anxiety in social situations. it is laughable now to think of the many unnecessarily uncomfortable situations i have found myself in, all created by factors in my mind, or subject to external factors at all [or ones normal human being lol]. am i making too big an issue of this? i think i just want it to be easier. don’t we all

however i have arrived at one sure realization : i don’t want to be a wedding planner. i will stick to my commitments but this is not it.

so last tuesday i began my first temp assignment. i decided a little while before i left for nigeria back in july that i cannot sit around and do nothing till my next procedure all the way in december. i began looking for actual full-time employment but realistically beginning a job that i would have to quit in a couple of months [or request an indefinite leave, lol] would not be fair to the company. so temping it was, now a week into it i decided to share a report on my newly gained insight and also finally make an actual posting!

1. oh how i have missed being a functioning adult. as nice as it might have been to be done with school and have a much needed break, i so underestimated the amount of time it would actually take to recoup. i somehow believed i would be done with both procedures by now and on my way back to nyc. well yeah that is clearly not the case and to be honest i came to realize what i really missed about nyc was functioning. the day to day activities, friends, work, hell i even missed the craziness that was [is] parsons. the metro to work and the short distance from the train to my building is enough to put me back into city mode. ah the city how i’ve missed you [no offense surburbia but you’re getting old].

2. it takes me 15 minutes to walk the 3 blocks from farragut north to my building at 20th street and L. now not a very fascinating fact but on my first day i somehow managed to be running a tad bit late and my God if i could have willed myself to walk at a faster pace i would have. but alas i couldn’t, coupled with the wrong footwear to attempt a speedier dash, plus the hold up of signing-in in the lobby, i managed to make it to the office around 9:02, a tad sweaty, i mean glistening and bummed that i had missed my actual arrival time by 2 minutes. to be honest i don’t believe it made a big difference [they requested me back past my end date of last friday and my supervisor who was out last week said she had heard good things about me. yay me!], but it was the fact that no matter how hard i wanted to i could not for the life of me make myself move any faster. now i know what you might be thinking: are you new? yes i know i know, i’ve been aware of the limitations my leg puts on me from as long as i could remember but man it can be frustrating. i mean really 3 blocks in 15 minutes, 0.35 miles in 15 minutes! At the gym i look over to the people close by me and they are usually making a nice pace, burning the calories away, then i look down at my monitor to observe my progress at 2.0mph pace, taking me 30 minutes to complete a mile and all i can think is bahumbug! lol. but seriously nothing is worse than having the desire for something, the drive to go for it but lack the ability to actually make it happen. i complain to my younger brother and cousin about the annoying walk to work and they usually respond with a consoling response, or silence of not knowing what else to say that hasn’t been said then the conversation ends with me feeling bad for constantly complaining when there is nothing neither they nor myself can do about the situation, and unsatisfied with their response. a part of me might actually want them to say that sucks and share in my frustration.

rather than a pity party, i want you to get angry with me, for me. what good will that be? hell if i know

haven’t blogged in a bit and i of course choose nyc at the club 2 in the morning as the best time to do it. well on that emo type mess again. i just need to accept the fact that my social experience will not be the same as others. many of my experiences for that matter. one would think by 26 this would have sunk in, but nah over here in freaking marquee at a table on freaking tumblr. fml

one of the worse things you could do to me is walk ahead of me if we are walking together. as small as it might seem, to me it’s as though you are saying, “i don’t care if you can’t keep up, i going to leave you behind though it wouldn’t be a big deal for me to just slow. i just don’t care enough about you to do so.”

that’s saying a lot without saying a word.

i remember in high school when they would do hall sweeps. for those who don’t know what that is, at the ring of the bell and the teachers would lock their doors. so if you were let for class you, you weren’t allowed in but had to go to the cafeteria and get an automatic detention. on one unfortunate occasion i found myself stuck in the hall way, classroom door locked, and my teacher unwilling to let me in. having to make my way down to the cafeteria to claim my detention prize. rather than returning to class i made my way to my administrator and told her what happened. see the reason why i had been a few seconds late had to do with my leg brace but my teacher wanting to adamantly follow the law would not open the door for me. my administrator excused my detention and i carried on with my day. when i returned to the same class i was turned away from the next day, the teacher had the audacity to say to me that she felt i would want to be treated like everyone else. i was angry at myself for a long time that i did not give her a response.

let’s get one thing straight: i’m no fool! as much as i want to be treated like anyone else, to ignore the fact that my leg poses as an obstacle at times would be foolish.

part of high school gym included a running unit, where by the end of the unit there was a time goal that each student had to run the mile in. clearly i can’t run and the track was a bit of a walk from the school. in the beginning of the unit i would go out to the track with mt class and take down the notes on other students running times for the gym teacher. at another point she let me join a weight training class because she knew i enjoyed that unit the most. at the end of the grading period i received a c in gym and couldn’t understand why. so i asked my gym teacher why, her response was that she didn’t feel it was fair to give me a better grade because i didn’t actually run. really?! you didn’t think it was fair? as though i chose to sit myself out and not run. as though the other students were more deserving of a better grade because they had 2 fully functioning legs and i didn’t. i didn’t visit an administrator in this case and i still don’t know why, but it is something that clearly had an effect an effect on me.

i call my handicap parking pass vip parking, i would rather say i have limited capabilities or mobility. i will even admit that i choose not see myself in the same light as those that are deemed as handicapped [or the more asinine term handicapable] and maybe in doing so others treat as they believe i would like to be perceived. at the same time there are those who do stare and all out ogle my brace, my limp, my overall general awkwardness when i walk. now here’s the issue that arises, this somewhat competing ideologies where i totally fine in one respect but on the other hand i am not. but to be honest i am not fine, walking can be a painful experience, i always have to stop and rest, my back [for the most part] is always first in pain, my right leg then begins to hurt because it carries most of my body weight, my gait begins to slow when the pain kicks in, i try to shift the weight between both legs but the left is just not strong enough.

it is sad when the first thing that comes to mind when i plan an evening out is i hope i won’t have to walk far and there will be a place for me to sit.

to be

i want to be more than i am today
i want to be happy not sad today
i want to be loved today
held today
kissed today
i want to be
i want to be adored not looked down upon today
i want to be somebody’s muse today
i want to be be smiled at today
dreamt about today
written about today
i want to be

written feburary 8, 2008

my thoughts are going to be the death of me

at pt yesterday there was another patient doing as far as i was concerned death defying balancing acts. she was a runner who also played soccer twice a week. as i watched her do one particular exercise that had her holding herself up on her side using her elbow for what looked like an eternity, i told her she was my hero and i want to be like her when i grow up. everyone laughed but honestly i wish i could be a runner. one of the girls you see with their mp3 player strapped to their arm, custom fitted running shoes, and a perfectly coordinating running outfit [i just realized i described my awesome track star cousin. go towson tigers track! lol]. though along with all that comes a hot bod as well that isn’t the appeal to me, i just want to run and feel the wind on my face as i breeze by everything in my path, only stopping once i get to my destination, not because of pain or discomfort.

to be honest i just want to walk faster for a longer period of time and i am slowly on my way. i walked up and down the long hallway twice in 5 minutes only stopping 3 times. in the past i could only do it once, stopping 4 times [yay me!] gotta celebrate the small victories in life. 

why does it feel like my first time in nyc again. i’m in awe of the city, i guess i missed it after all. staring out the window, couldn’t imagine a better view. well maybe the ocean on some caribbean island but right now the city noise is soothing, the lights are dazzling, and there’s just the right amount of rain falling to put me sleep. no more doubts, i am definitely moving back.

e.t.a. still unknown

in my continued path to self-acceptance i decided i’ll post a picture once a week.

here goes confession number 2: i don’t take full body pictures of myself because i do not like the way my body looks, so much so that i tend not to look in mirrors when i walk by, even when i get dressed.

that was kind of a two-fer, well here’s to change

[argh sorry about the crappy quality, had to use the cellphone]

beginning another journey today with a confession:

i don’t buy clothes often because i always think of what if i finally lose some weight.

good way to save money, but this sadly leaves me with a majorly limited wardrobe.

one year to the day since i began this blog

one year to the day this before was taken

here lies the after. not quite finished but certainly much improved if do say so myself.

what do you think?

a thought just popped into my head: i am not the first nor will i be the last person to have to wear a leg brace.

profound isn’t it?

i want to make a difference though, i would like in my lifetime to be one of the last few to have to wear one due to polio. end polio now